My Roller Coaster
by pursuit of dorkyness
Summary: His life has been an emotional roller coaster since he joined glee. A collection of Finn Hudson's feelings and thoughts throughout the first season of glee.


**A/N: **Random bits of my insanity. Yes, yes. I am back. Sorry this took so long. I have a lot (more like three) ideas that are actually quite decent it's just that I never have the time to write them down! AHH. Yes, pressure. And school. And all that jazz. WELL. Enjoy.

Dedicated to everyone who reviewed my Finding Finn story. You guys flippin' rock. AHKEII? :D Lol. Got tumblr? I'm pursuitofdorkyness(dot)tumblr(dot)com. ;)

Okay. OKAY. OKAYYYY.

- Dorky

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* * *

Shock**_

He has never been more overwhelmed in his life. He can't even cook instant noodles without burning something. He isn't ready to be responsible for anyone else.

_**Fear**_

He feels trapped. He'll never have a life now. He might as well quit school and live up to his reputation: _Lima loser._

_**Hope**_

No, he can't give up. He has to try. Maybe he should talk to Mr. Schue.

_**Happiness**_

For a split second, he's glad. He's always wanted to be a dad. But he wonders how long his new-found euphoria will last – probably not long.

_**Stress**_

He feels stressed. It's a weird mixture of different emotions. He wishes time would stop. He wishes he was free.

_**Confusion**_

What is this feeling, so sudden and new? He's been thinking about Rachel a lot – a lot more than a guy with a pregnant girlfriend should.

_**Slushy**_

Is that even a feeling? Initially, he knows it's not. But the feeling of the wet, sticky substance sliding into his underpants makes him think that it is.

_**Anger**_

Quinn has been on him like ugly on an ape. What the heck? He never asked for this.

_**Shock**_

Same emotion. Different feeling. When Rachel tells him, he doesn't believe her. It can't be true. It just...can't.

_**Comprehension**_

Something clicks. It all makes sense now. There's a new feeling kicking in but he can't seem to put his finger on it. What was it again?

_**Rage**_

Oh, yeah. _That. _He's never been angrier in his life. Legit. When he starts pummeling Puck, he swears louder than he's ever sworn before. Now he knows what _seeing red _means.

_**Happiness**_

They won! They _freaking _won! He tries to forget everything else for a while. He tries to enjoy the moment as best he can. It doesn't work.

_**Depression**_

It sinks in - what they did to him. What they have done to him. It happens when Quinn moves out (two weeks after Sectionals). It hits him like a Frisbee. He cries for three hours straight and pretends to be sick when his mom tries to talk to him. It doesn't make him feel any better, but it doesn't change things either.

_**Numbness**_

He's half-awake. Not just in school. Not just on his sort of dates with Rachel. He's half-awake through life. Heck, he's half-_dead._

_**Excitement**_

For the first time in a month, he gets those tingly feelings again. Santana and Brittany think he's worth a shot. Maybe this is his chance to get his life back.

_**Guilt**_

He feels bad for her as she walks away with her head down. He never wanted to hurt Rachel, but he's done it a million times. He starts to worry that this is the last straw; that she's had enough. Nah, she'll forgive him. She always does.

_**Embarrassment**_

He's been humiliated before. He's already said that. But this time it's different. He starts to wonder if she really means it. After all, _Gives You Hell _has a strong message.

_**Envy**_

Jesse St. James. What the frick? Was Rachel serious? Did she really...move on? Oh gosh, he hopes not.

_**Disappointment**_

She doesn't want to be a couple with him.

_**Rejection**_

Wait. What? _She _doesn't want to be a couple with _him?_

_**Hope**_

Hope springs eternal. Like he said, he's not giving up that easy.

_**Numbness**_

He feels hollow again. Santana doesn't mean anything to him, really. He doesn't even remember why he agreed to it in the first place. Oh, right. To forget about Rachel being with Jesse, doing the same thing. It doesn't work. He doesn't forget.

_**Awkwardness**_

Burt and his mom? Dude. That's like Chuck Norris and Bella Swan. No freaking way.

_**Betrayal**_

They were in the video. How could Rachel do that to him? How could she choose her reputation over him?

_**Guilt**_

Of course she did it to him. He gets it now. He's been doing it to her too.

_**Pain**_

He feels bad for her. He really does. But this is his chance to show her that he means it – he'll work for it this time.

_**Joy**_

Her reaction to Jessie's Girl was just what he wanted. Maybe there is hope, after all.

_**Amusement**_

He thinks she looks adorable in her stuffed animal Gaga costume. But he can feel her pain too. Finding out your mother is the coach of your nemesis can't be easy. Plus Jesse is MIA again. He knows they'll break up soon. He's been anticipating it. But suddenly he's afraid. What if things go wrong? Again?

_**Pride**_

He's proud. He managed to make her smile again. He can hardly even recognize her now. Since when did Rachel wear jeans? He knows it's awkward for him to be rapping and dancing. He doesn't care, though. Rachel's laughing again and right now, that's all that matters.

_**Hate**_

Pure hatred. It feels foreign to him. He's never hated anyone – not even Puck or Quinn. But Jesse St. James is the only exception. He's violated Rachel – in more ways than one.

_**Shock**_

Again. But this time, it's happiness too. She kissed him. SHE KISSED HIM.

_**Glee**_

Yeah, he's quoting their name. It might even be redundant in this case, but he doesn't care. Heck, he doesn't even know what redundant means (He heard Rachel say it once). And he doesn't care. Singing with Rachel and with everyone in glee club feels like...magic. It really does.

_**Anxiety**_

They're all freaking bundles of nerves as they count down the seconds in the waiting room. He can't help but wonder what would have happened if he never found out. _He _would be the one in there, not Puck. That would be _his _child, not Puck's. But that's not what happened. He wishes for a moment that Rachel was with him.

_**Forgiveness**_

When Puck comes out of the delivery room, his face is as white as paper. The first person he walks to is Mr. Schue, who envelopes him in a hug and pats his back. The rest of glee club soon surround him and talk to him. When they break apart, Puck's eyes lock with his. He gives a brief nod and walks toward an empty hallway. He hears Puck follow him. "Congratulations," he says. Puck is stunned. His eyes are wide and bloodshot, but they're the happiest he's ever seen them. He thinks that this isn't Puck. This is _Noah. _"Thanks," Noah says. There is an awkward silence that both of them refuse to fill. Finally, he clears his throat and holds out his hand. "Cool, dude?" It isn't really a question. He's known for some time that they were okay. This is just a formality. Tears are rolling down Noah's cheeks as he takes Finn's hand and nods. "Yeah, dude. We're cool."

_**Defeat**_

They lost. He can't believe it.

_**Vulnerability**_

There is silence on the bus ride back to McKinley. No one is talking. He sits next to Rachel and he can feel her tense beside him. He takes her tiny hand in his huge one and smiles. "Hey," he whispers. "Hi," she replies. But she's still looking out the window and he doesn't know why. So he places his fingers underneath her chin and turns her head toward him. He sees the fear in her eyes and he understands why. She thinks he'll leave her again. He won't. Not anymore. He meant what he said before their duet. He loves her. He won't leave her anymore. But he has to prove that to her. "Hey," he says again before cupping her face in his hands and capturing her lips in a kiss. She's still stiff and afraid, he can feel it. But eventually she'll trust him again. He knows she will.

_**Happiness**_

Again. He knows it's overused. But he's just so freaking happy when Mr. Schue tells them they've got another year. It wouldn't have made any difference though; the foundation of their friendship is strong. They've broken the status quo and they've proven everyone wrong. They can keep it together. But having another year is just icing on the cake.

_**Love**_

For a while he was afraid she'd never say it. He was starting to think he'd said it too soon. Apparently not. The whole glee club is at the beach for their celebration party. Artie, Tina, Kurt and Mercedes are belting out random tunes. Santana, Brittany, Mike and Matt are dancing around their campfire, making up new moves and just goofing off. Puck and Quinn are lying on a blanket, a little further away, in their own little world. Mr. Schue is somewhere laughing at all of them. He and Rachel are just walking; the waves brushing against their bare feet occasionally. She jumps whenever the water touches her toes. He thinks it's adorable.

He's thinking about the year he's been through and he realizes that he's changed so much. From the dumb jock who went through life not caring, not _living_...to the boy, no _man _he is today. He's proud of himself. He grabs Rachel's hand and tells her about his potato head. She laughs and responds, "I love you."

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**A/N2: **Well? What did you guys think? I hope it's okay... VERY self-conscious about this one. This is quite personal.

P.S. Who of you caught the **Wicked **and **The Only Exception **references? Eh, eh? ;)

- Dorky out!


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